It started out very innocent and like any other quick-just-for-a-second farm chore — Ed threw a rock at my upstairs office window and asked for my help in getting the tractor out of the cow pasture. Even though I had just made lunch for the kids, worked all morning, done my 4 mile walk/run and finally sat down to eat I threw my boots on and headed out.
At this point I need to paint a visual for you. I had just finished working out for over an hour so I was drenched in sweat and still in my workout clothes. I didn’t even take time to grab socks before I headed out wearing net shorts, sports bra, wifebeater tank, and fat baby boots sans socks. It wasn’t pretty but what can I say?
Let me also mention that cows and heifers actually cause more injuries to farmers than bulls. You should never ever turn your back on them and you have to watch their body language pretty closely to figure out if they’re giving you a warning that they’re about to charge you or stomp you. Moo is a little easier because we can get our hands on her and her neck swinging means she’s wanting petted. Sparky on the other hand is a real cow and we usually give her a wide berth. I’ve never been *afraid* of them, but I definitely respect them.
The helper job entails holding a lunge-whip and keeping the cows away from the gate as Ed drives through it and I’ve only done it about 5,000 times. On this day, Ed had the girls busy eating a fresh pile of prairie hay while Brownie decided he needed some loving. So I bent over to give him some good scratches while keeping my eye on Moo and Sparky because if Moo just slightly backed up and saw the open gate all hell would break loose as she ran threw it to escape into a neighboring wheat field. That’s what I *thought* she was going to do. That’s what she’s done a million times before. And this thinking is where things went bad. Real bad.
I’m not sure what lover’s disagreement Brownie and Moo had earlier that morning but rather than a predictable step back, sees the open gate, runs in front of me to get out, Moo decided all she really wanted to do was lunge forward and give Brownie’s butt a good headbut. Which would have been fine if Brownie had simply lunged forward away from me and out of my reach. But he didn’t. He swept, or she knocked, his butt directly into my legs which threw me off balance and caused me to go forward to get my balance and with him doing the same thing, well suffice it to say that I ended up sprawled out flat on the ground, skidding to a stop right directly in front of the gate - which thankfully Ed had closed. Unthankfully I landed nearly face first in a fresh cow pattie. My face literally missed the pile by an inch. My hands, arms, and legs weren’t so lucky.
Brownie ran off, leaving me alone in my humiliation. I looked up to see both Ed and Moo looking at me with a “what the hell are you doing on the ground?” look. But that’s not the worst of it. After calling Moo a very bad name I turned toward Ed and saw his shoulders starting to heave. He looked at the ground and made a pretense of messing with the gate chain. I asked him just at what point he planned on running in to save me or warn me that a cow was charging and I knew what was coming. He couldn’t even look at me because a big ole belly laugh was on it’s way to the surface and finally he just gave in. I thought the man was going to fall over he started laughing so hard. And Moo was still standing there. And I’m still standing there covered in cow shit.
So he’s for sale. And she’s for sale. Cheap for the pair.





























