Crazy Cow Country Farm

It started out very innocent and like any other quick-just-for-a-second farm chore — Ed threw a rock at my upstairs office window and asked for my help in getting the tractor out of the cow pasture.  Even though I had just made lunch for the kids, worked all morning, done my 4 mile walk/run and finally sat down to eat I threw my boots on and headed out.

At this point I need to paint a visual for you.  I had just  finished working out for over an hour so I was drenched in sweat and still in my workout clothes.  I didn’t even take time to grab socks before I headed out wearing net shorts, sports bra, wifebeater tank, and fat baby boots sans socks.  It wasn’t pretty but what can I say?

Let me also mention that cows and heifers actually cause more injuries to farmers than bulls.  You should never ever turn your back on them and you have to watch their body language pretty closely to figure out if they’re giving you a warning that they’re about to charge you or stomp you.  Moo is a little easier because we can get our hands on her and her neck swinging means she’s wanting petted.  Sparky on the other hand is a real cow and we usually give her a wide berth.  I’ve never been *afraid* of them, but I definitely respect them.

The helper job entails holding a lunge-whip and keeping the cows away from the gate as Ed drives through it and I’ve only done it about 5,000 times.  On this day, Ed had the girls busy eating a fresh pile of prairie hay while Brownie decided he needed some loving.  So I bent over to give him some good scratches while keeping my eye on Moo and Sparky because if Moo just slightly backed up and saw the open gate all hell would break loose as she ran threw it to escape into a neighboring wheat field.  That’s what I *thought* she was going to do.  That’s what she’s done a million times before.  And this thinking is where things went bad.  Real bad.

I’m not sure what lover’s disagreement Brownie and Moo had earlier that morning but rather than a predictable step back, sees the open gate, runs in front of me to get out, Moo decided all she really wanted to do was lunge forward and give Brownie’s butt a good headbut.  Which would have been fine if Brownie had simply lunged forward away from me and out of my reach.  But he didn’t.  He swept, or she knocked, his butt directly into my legs which threw me off balance and caused me to go forward to get my balance and with him doing the same thing, well suffice it to say that I ended up sprawled out flat on the ground, skidding to a stop right directly in front of the gate - which thankfully Ed had closed.  Unthankfully I landed nearly face first in a fresh cow pattie.  My face literally missed the pile by an inch.  My hands, arms, and legs weren’t so lucky.

Brownie ran off, leaving me alone in my humiliation.  I looked up to see both Ed and Moo looking at me with a “what the hell are you doing on the ground?” look.  But that’s not the worst of it.  After calling Moo a very bad name I turned toward Ed and saw his shoulders starting to heave.  He looked at the ground and made a pretense of messing with the gate chain.  I asked him just at what point he planned on running in to save me or warn me that a cow was charging and I knew what was coming.  He couldn’t even look at me because a big ole belly laugh was on it’s way to the surface and finally he just gave in.  I thought the man was going to fall over he started laughing so hard.  And Moo was still standing there.  And I’m still standing there covered in cow shit.

So he’s for sale.  And she’s for sale.  Cheap for the pair.

I’ve lost 6 lbs and feel better than I ever have.  What I decided to do this time (isn’t that sad — this time — such a Kirsti Alley/Oprah feeling) is watch my calories, fats, ratios (carbs:protein) and increase structured activity, which is formal exercise so that I can track it as opposed to just sometimes doing farm chores.  Wow, what a long sentence!  Anyway, it’s fascinating to me when you actually write down and track what you eat and just how awful the nutritional value of our normal everyday foods are!  I decided that since I’m decreasing my daily calories and askin a lot from my body, to lose weight and stay healthy, I would do everything possible to make sure that every food I ate had some nutritional value rather than empty calories.  That means that even though I could easily work in baked chips or a weigh watchers dessert or some other “treat” I would abstain from that because those are empty calories.  In other words, I picture a miniature Scotty from Star Trek in my little brain yelling at me that even though the low cal cake tasted good just what is he supposed to do with it?!

I also started taking a joint supplements and a few other daily pills that my doctor recommended due to the hysterectomy.  For activity I’ve been doing a run/walk for 3-4 miles at least three times a week and then walking 3-4 miles the other four days.  During rain I’ve stayed inside with the rowing machine and TurboJam.  I’ve only missed two days of working out over the past several weeks and each day I make sure to break a good sweat and stay in my heartrate zone for a minimum of 20 minutes, usually closer to 40.  I’ve even given up my beloved two cups per morning of coffee loaded down with sugar and creamer - I now grab 1/4 teaspoon of Stevia and a splash of 1% milk in just a single cup.  I never thought I’d see the day when I didn’t drink at least two cups of coffee but I haven’t even really noticed it.

The big thing though is sugar and fat - no sugar has touched these lips since I began, no Splenda or blue packets or pink packets either.  I’ve had a couple tablespoons of honey in a recipe and Stevia sprinkled to sweeten something up, but nothing more.  And because of that, guess where the majority of those six pounds came from?  My belly.  I swear it’s nearly flat!  Don’t get me wrong, there’s no abs showing or anything like that, but that little muffin top and roundness is nearly gone.  I know sugar is just evil and I need to avoid it, but I will say that an even harder thing for me is fat.  I’m a fat lover — sausages, cheeses, nuts, you name it.  So I’ve cut the fat down to *only* healthy fats and stay within 25-35 grams a day.  I also eat a ration of 2:1 carbs:protein.

So.  Those are some big changes for me!  I feel great, more energized and healthy than I ever have.  I love incorporating running into my exercise and I love watching the changes in my kids now that we’re all eating healthier.  Not to mention the 6 lb loss and more to come.   Ed still gets his calorie/fat laden meals because he has the metabolism of a lumberjack and burns calories like Trump files bankruptcy.  But this new way of eating has taken a toll on him and the other evening he approached the bed as I was reading. 

He sat down and I noticed a very serious look on his face.  He mentioned that he wondered if something might be wrong with him and he should make a doctor’s appointment.  When I asked what was wrong he said, “I just weighed myself and I’ve lost 10 lbs.”

That’s right.  *He* lost 10 lbs without even batting an eye.  He didn’t change a single thing and didn’t even think about losing weight and then like overnight he just drops 10 lbs.  And not only that, but he actually had the nerve to mention this to his wife who’s actively dieting!

I just stared at him.  I mean, what do you say to that?

And then I went out and bought him 20 Hershey bars to dip into a 3 gallon bucket of ice cream.

I think all who know me would agree I am one determined lady and when I decide I’m going to do something, nothing gets in my way.  With Ed being much the same way, it’s only natural to assume our kids will have such dogged determination as well.  

The other evening Kenny informed me that he was getting up early in the morning because he was going to teach Vincent to ride a bike.  Now, to be honest I kind of “forgot” about this because when you live on country roads without smooth bike riding terrain anywhere, well yeah, I just sort of forgot that we had a 7 yr old who hadn’t learned bike riding 101 yet.  Anyway, here’s how the conversation went…….

K - Will you get me up before you leave for your run so I can get the bike ready for Vincent?  I’m teaching him to ride tomorrow.

L - Uhhh, sure honey but you know sometimes that can take a long time to learn and we don’t have the best bike riding learning enviroment here.

K - Yeah, it will probably take all evening, but we’re not coming in for bed until Vincent’s riding on his own.

L - Oh no, wait a minute hon, seriously you just need to get him used to the bike and start learning balance, it really could take a week or so.  And by the way, what bike are you using?  We don’t have a bike his size.

K - My old silver bike in the yellow barn.  I’m going to fix it up and repair it tomorrow for Vincent.

L - {knowing the bike is probably not repairable and the yellow barn is under a padlock due to it’s not-child-friendly contents} Oh!  OK, well we’ll see you in the morning then.  {Goes to bed thinking that’s the end of that discussion.}

The following morning is when my cold hit me the hardest but since it was “neck-up” and without a fever, I still went on my 3 mile walk/run.  Needless to say I collapsed in the afternoon for a nap and Kenny woke me up at the time I needed to start fixing dinner.  And this is how it went.

K - Mom!  I got the silver bike out!  I replaced the things on the handlebars, washed it all up, tightened everything, and got the pedals to moving again.  I just need Dad to air up the tires and grease the chain when he gets home.  I did it!  I got it all fixed up to teach Vincent!  We’ll start at 7:30 after dinner and then we’ll be outside working until he learns.

L - Uhhhhh, ok hon, but I really think you should just start with the basics and give him plenty of time.  An hour in the evening isn’t going to do much you know?  Just be patient with him.

K - Oh no!  He’ll learn fast because I’ll teach him and we won’t be going to bed until he’s riding by himself.

L - Alrighty then, well let’s get dinner.

After the dishes were done I went outside to check on their progress and you won’t believe what I saw.  Here’s how the learning went…….

Holding him steady…….

Walking slowly with him……

Encouragement.  Look at those smiles and determination!

He wanted to try smooth pavement, but the car was in the way so I suggested they return to the grass.  But look - he can go about 4 feet by himself!

One last time, I’ll push you off, you can do it!

I did it!! 

At this point, mama burst into tears - you know, the whole “my baby’s growing up” thing.

This is pretty much all we’ve seen of Vincent since.

I cannot believe Kenny taught him to ride a bike in about half an hour!   And, no, we still have no idea how he got into the yellow barn and I’m kind of afraid to ask.

Darren made all A’s and B’s which means he made the honor roll!  I cried when he called us from Florida and I told him.  Oh, be still my heart, I am so proud of that little guy.   Most of you know the struggles this one has been through just being born, let alone learning, so this is such a huge accomplishment for him!!!

There’s a certain science to performing the annual barn cleaning - you have to select a day that’s not too hot, not too cold, not too windy, and if all the stars are aligned I think that’s a good thing too.  The real art is knowing when the manure piles that have been building up outside the stall doors are just right for moving…. you go out there in the wet of an early spring and you’ll sink to yer knees in shit, literally.  And don’t think you can just wait until it dries out because then not only will you not be able to use the stalls for getting horses separated for riding and training, but have you ever tried to move a ton of manure that’s dried out like cement?  I didn’t think so. 

Nope, there’s a real art to the whole operation and with the kids gone, we made our plan.  The first thing Ed had to do was build some kind of contraption to hold a 6′ blade on the back of the tractor since we don’t have a three point (and, no, I have no idea what that is but all I know is I have heard a lot about it and know that we don’t have it).  Anyway, Ed thought and thought and designed stuff and banged around in the garage and kept my van out in the rain for the entire wet spring rainy season and this is what he came up with….

That winch system thing is pretty cool and he was awful proud of himself for figuring that one out!

It’s got it all - chains, braces, welds, links, pins, and even a winch thingy that got permanently attached to the tractor.  I have no idea how he came up with this but it works just sweet as can be.  The winch pulls the top of that blade right there and tilts it up then lowers it when you’re in position.

So you back up into position and lower the blade like this -

The horses spend the entire winter either in these open stalls or under the overhang you see here and they proceed to do what horses do in the wintertime when they’re not eating or sleeping, they poop.  Dear Lord do they ever poop.  So this area gets totally filled up and then I can’t open/close those stall doors which means I can’t separate individual horses which means my life gets complicated.  I hate it when my life gets complicated.  Ed hates it too.  Well, no, I think Ed just likes building stuff and then playing around on his tractor.  But if he can make me happy and shut me up about something, well hell it’s all good!

Now here’s the beauty of the system.  You see that flat thing like a seat above the blade?  Well in order to save time and get as much manure moved in each swipe you know what we did don’t you?  Yup, I sat on it and Ed dragged me through the shit. 

And if anyone had told me that one day the love of my life would make me beam with excitement by dragging me through a pile of shit and cleaning out the barn from the winter, well I would have called you a nutjob.

But he did.  And I did.  And it was awesome!

I mean, just look at him all farmered up with his little straw hat on.  How cute is that I ask you?  But you know guys, they always want to see their tools in action.  You know what’s coming don’t you?  Wait for it……………

And there you go.

Sometimes we’ll block the driveway and let the horses come out to the house pasture and do a little mowing for us.  It’s always a win-win because it’s a treat for them and it can be comical to watch.  Usually they bolt out of their pasture and race around for several hours grazing on all the primo fescue that’s around the house - they don’t even look up and will slooooowly move away if you walk towards them so you can’t catch ‘em.  After a couple hours they start to get curious and realize there are barns, cars, and all kinds of stuff within smelling and licking reach so they start exploring.  Or napping.

She was very sleepy from all that eating and she didn’t want to hang around with the boys who proceeded to get into all kinds of trouble.

Cartman checked out the barn and squeezed on in to forage in the grain room.

Buck went for the burn barrel.  I’d just emptied about 300 lbs of grain and alfalfa cubes into the grain room so all those delicious smelling bags were right under his nose.  If you look closely under his neck you can see that he’s already pulled one bag out.  Blue’s ignoring him at the moment but soon the sound of bags lures him over.

Buck tries to act all cool and stuff, but he was digging in the trash too.  About this time Blue flipped out another bag which made a loud noise and since these two were the only ones who knew what the noise was, it spooked Possum……

Possum took off around the corner and headed out to the pond. 

About this time I wondered how Silver’s nap was coming.  I thought I had seen her get up and walk away during all the bag commotion.  Then I found her.

She just found a better spot.

Just kidding.  But wouldn’t that be great - if weight loss were instant so my instant-gratification needs were met.  I’d love that. 

But, no, I haven’t even weighed myself because I find I tend to be a slight wee bit on the obsessive side when it comes to that and I don’t want to start any bad habits.  I will tell you that I’ve upped my energy use during my walks by adding in little two minute jogs and increasing the distance to three miles.  This morning I pushed myself, hard, because I wanted to sit on my butt for a few hours watching Amber work horses.   So I’m drenched in sweat, wearing way too many layers now that I’m 2 miles out from the farm, and on my way home the sun shines through a slight leftover misty-fog mix.  And, you have to picture this, I’m out where I can’t see another house for miles and there’s bright green wheat fields beside yellowing fields beside freshly turned chocolate colored fields and I see our cows grazing while the horses in the background are rearing up, bucking, biting, and playing.  I tell you, my breath almost stopped.  A feeling of emotion and gratefulness came over me like you wouldn’t believe.  What a beautiful sight.  What a perfect start to the day. 

Amber arrived and rode Jen’s horse for a spring tuneup and then we went over the groundwork training plan for Fire because the plan is for me to do the groundwork over the summer and then she’ll put on a few rides this fall before giving him the winter off.  Our little Fire did fantabulous and I swelled up with pride like a good horse-mama.  All the feet come up nicely, he was sacked out with blanket, cinched with the lead-rope in the spot for the girth, and the leadrope used as a bridle and bit — he was smooth and calm.  I really think he’ll be a good little horse.

While she was working with him I spent some time re-introducing myself as leader to the others because nothing’s worse than trying to catch individual horses in an 8-acre pasture if they just think that two-legged human is out for a running game of “you can’t catch me” and “I don’t have to do what you say:.  My dear little killer, Buck, ended up following around like a pocket pony and it was everything I could do not to saddle him up.  

Now that the boys are well underway in their Grandparent’s visit I can share the news we’ve been keeping secret for nearly a year…… they’re on their way to Disneyworld!!!!!  We kept it quiet and didn’t tell them until Mom and Leon picked them up.  They were thrilled, mostly at getting to stay in hotels and swim, and I know they’re going to have a blast.  But.  Yes there’s but.  Wow, my kids are halfway across the country and I can’t get to them if they need me.  Whew, what a mixed bag of emotions it’s brought on.  Good though.  I know they’re having fun but I’m already suffering from withdrawals and asked Ed to nag me about “I can’t find my Gameboy” “I’m hungry and starving to DEATH” which he did.  Next week will be easier because Ed’s taking vacation and will be home.

I took advantage of the quiet and rented Blindness which I will say is perhaps the worst movie ever made on the entire planet.  Seriously, it’s worse than The Jagged Edge.  Awful.  I didn’t even finish it.

I’ve spent my entire life surrounded by people who eat cottage cheese - I’ve never been one of them.  Oh I’ve tried throughout the years, a little spoonful from the salad bar, Aunt so-and-so’s jello mold at the family reunion, and even the blasphemous lasagna recipes (how could they omit ricotta???).  But never, not once, not even for a nano second did I enjoy a single bit of the globby white goo. 

Until now.

I never knew you could whip it and totally transform it’s character into something that one would mistake for sour cream!  Or yogurt!  I just made the most fantastic southwest dip that I devoured in secret, telling Ed and the boys that it was a “healthy diet food” so they wouldn’t go near it.  Holy crap, this stuff is the bomb!  At first I felt like I knew a secret, my own secret, my precious that no one else knew.  Then I did a google search and quickly realized that I’m actually the last to be invited to this little party because people have been blenderizing cottage cheese for years and there’s something like 87,000 pages on the internet with recipes.  Who knew?

I suppose you’re wondering why I’m eating diet food to begin with eh?  Well I’ll just tell you why.  I’ll tell  you in three little words.

Hysterectomy.  Surgery-induced-menopause.  Activity (or lack thereof during recovery).

OK, that was a lot more than three words.  But bottom line is that I’ve packed on about 15 lbs and have completely gone flaccid.   Seriously, there’s absolutely no muscle tone anywhere on my body.  I keep looking because it used  to be there, and there, and there - but it isn’t.  It’s gone.  Bye bye now. 

When one loses every single ounce of muscle one does not simply roll out of bed one morning and resume one’s past exercise program of 4 hours hard physical labor along with aerobics, horseback riding, and manhandling wild mustangs.  Trust me on this one.

So I’m on a diet.  Well not a diet, but all this fat needs to find another place to live so I’m re-adjusting my eating.  OK, I’m on a diet.  I’m also on an exercise program so that within a few short weeks I’ll be back where I used to be - able to hold my own next to my uber-fit husband during chainsawing-down-tree days.  As a gourmet (with sugar and low-country cooking) cook I determined that I should add some more healthful and figure friendly foods to my recipe box so I have spent a few days researching the ‘net, library, bookstore, etc and will now begin the short order cook routine wherein I cook for everyone else …… then make another meal for me.  And in the process of watching my fat and all those other numbers I kept coming across cottage cheese. 

Did you notice how long it took me to get back to the business of cottage cheese?  I ramble like this in real life too and it drives Ed positively insane.

Anyway, I knew in my gut that it sounded good and seemingly normal people eat the stuff without dying so I knew logically I should give it another try.  Then I came across a recipe to whip the cottage cheese with some other ingredients for a dip.  A quick search over at Cooks.com and a few other place and I settled on my first recipe.  I do think I could have picked out the dip made with sour cream but let me tell you, it would be difficult!  I loved it and can’t wait to try more.

So, I’m incorporating healthier recipes and exercising every day.  I started doing this about three weeks ago.  I’ve gained four pounds.  Now one would think, and one would be correct, that this fact would leave me a sobbing mess calling Ed while he’s on his way home and crying on his shoulder because “I’m fat.  I’m always going to be fat.  That’s it, I’m just fat.  I can’t go anywhere because I’m fat.  Why bother even getting out of bed when I’m this fat.”  You know, things like that.  But my brilliant, lovable, sweet husband pointed out that I’m re-energizing those tired muscles and they’re going to bulk up just a bit as they get to working.  Muscle weighs more than fat…… yada yada yada …. and there you go.  Crying fit over.  Resolve even stronger.  And that’s where it is.

And in other news, the boys leave tomorrow to go to my mother’s for nearly two weeks!  Ack!

I do believe we’re out of the heavy rain season and have sailed into summer.  We only have possible showers scheduled for one day this week and temps will be in the 80’s!  That’s good news when you’ve got a dirty barn, grass that needs mowed, fences that need hot-wired, and horses that need ridden.  Even better news because I’ve spent the past several weeks working my fingers to the bone every spare minute so that I can slow up a little and enjoy the summer with the boys.  Well that won’t begin for another two weeks though because they’re going to my mom’s next week and won’t return until June 6.

In horse news, our farrier came out a while back and I learned that she’s a wonderful natural horsemanship trainer!  I immediately booked all of her available free time to start Fire and Smoke with learning to pick up their feet.  She quickly got the gist that I’m perfectly capable of doing some things but a scared wimpering idiot to actually be the first.  I tell ya, getting stomped by Buck has really changed my perspective!  Anyway, she got the picture that I just need to see someone pick up their feet and not get themselves killed then I can take it from there.  So we did.  And she did.  And I’ve been doing.  Got all that? :)  It’s wonderful to be able to do chores and work the horses so I feel useful again and not so much of a bump on a pickle.

I did work them all yesterday and even rode Tess.  It seems they all go slightly feral during the winter and need to have their brains turned back on.  It doesn’t seem to take very long though and they’ll be where we were last fall - even Buck is easier to catch compare to a few weeks ago.  Well, all but Silver.  Silver is a delicate little flower princess horse who seems to think she should have complete privacy in the barn with unlimited treats.  And that she should never be ridden or made to work.  We had a discussion and I prevailed.

But the most exciting news of all is that we have tomato plants!!  Now those who know me must remember when I would plant 40-50 tomato plants each summer and spend the fall harvesting and canning.  Well moving to the farm with free-ranging chickens and often free ranging cows along with horses means one doesn’t get to have a garden.  It’s been five long summers since I’ve had home-grown tomatoes of my own and we’ve relied on the pity from others in supplying us with any we’ve eaten.  Well this year Ed hooked me up with homemade Topsy Turvy things and we’ve got them hung out on an old heavy pipe swingset (we often have gusts up to 60 mph and that’s a tad windy, if you know what I mean) so we’ll have tomatoes this year!!  I’ll keep you posted on how they’re fairing.

While we have a perfectly good coop available for the chickens, they much prefer to roost in the trees and only seek shelter in the coop or barn during the very worst of the winter.  So each night they begin fussing and calling to each other just before dusk - I’m usually doing dishes at the kitchen window and get to watch the show.  If you’ve never seen chickens put themselves to bed, it’s a cute little scene to watch.

They begin by hopping up to the low branch and work themselves up to the “hen branch”, there’s also a rooster branch but the hens aren’t allowed to go there. 

This little gal stopped to take a break before finishing her climb.  I lightened these pictures so you could see the hens but it’s dusk at the moment and a beautiful sunset.  Don’t you love seeing the horses in the background?

Here’s Junior up on the rooster branch all alone since Old Man passed away.  He’s a little higher than the girls and he watches over the entire process, talking to them the whole time.  If one gets lost or flies back down from their branch due to fighting, he’ll either holler at them or come on down to settle the matter.  The wayward hen will usually get quite a pecking and she’ll hop right back up with the others.

You can see that Junior’s quite a bit higher than the girls.  Notice the two on the ground in front of the woodpile?  He was clucking pretty loudly right now telling them to get to bed but Vincent was near the beginning branch and they were a little frantic.  Apparently he called to the black hen for company because if you look about halfway between them you’ll see her starting to cross over to his branch.

She made it over and snuggled in next to him.  In all the years we’ve had chickens I’ve never seen a hen roost next to a rooster in the trees but I wondered if he’d want company after losing his friend.

I went back inside to finish the dishes and watched the last hen settle - she was late getting up there but wanted to be in the middle.  You could hear all the clucking as she told the other two to scooch over and let her in.  You can also see the unused coop.

The full view from my window.  I often see the horses playing and taking their morning run through through the pasture.  I love this view.

She finally settled in and they hunker down tight for the night.  They lock their feet around the branch and no matter how hard the wind blows, I’ve never seen one lose their grip.

Now, you know well our reputation for having unusual animals here on the farm - those that just don’t follow the norm.  Well heaven forbid we have all normal chickens.  Nope, not at all.  We have one little black hen who decided to roost on the grill but Ed got fed up with chicken poop all over the top of the grill and put it in the shed.  So she started roosting on his car, right on the windshield wipers.  Well he got tired of the poop on his windshielf wipers so he tried to turn the car around (chickens are VERY set in their ways for roosting and go right back to the exact spot each evening unless you reprogram that roosting instinct) so there wouldn’t be a hood to climb on in that spot.

Yeah, that didn’t work.

Oh well, we’ll try something else.