Crazy Cow Country Farm

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August 18th, 2006 · 3 Comments · Uncategorized

On Making An Ass Of Oneself

I’m not sure oneself is a word, but too bad. The daily adventures of Loopy will amaze and astound you, or at the very least, bore you to tears.

It began innocently enough. Being the super-organized Martha-in-Training Goddess I called the vet in Hillsboro to remind him that Moo will have her season next week and I was planning to head over and borrow his trailer this afternoon. Ed will be taking the little gal over there tomorrow morning. As I’m heading to town I notice that the soybeans in this field have pretty little flowers on the tops. Wow! I’ve never seen that before so I pull over to get a closer look at this amazing new hybrid. And then I notice it. They were sunflowers. Well they were short and bushy and didn’t look like the sunflowers you normally see! It was an easy mistake. I looked around to make sure no one had seen me and continued into town.

We ran in to the health food store and I noticed a new little shop had opened next door called The Breadery. As I was checking out with my package of yeast and bulk oats I mentioned that I was going to go next door and see what kinds of breads were available. Visions of artisan sourdoughs were dancing in my head. I thought the young man looked at me strangely, but I get that sometimes so I ignored it. I wandered in and tried to keep my mouth from watering. I looked around and saw no bread. None! Worse, there were bins and bins and shelves and shelves of …….. beads. I could feel the words bubbling up and nearly exploding from my mouth, “Where’s the bread?” But I kept them in. I didn’t do it. As I left I noticed the sign was The Beadery. Thankfully, only the young man at the counter witnessed it firsthand.

I finish at the bank and head over to the vet. While I’m giving him my information and questioning him thoroughly about the process and treatment of Moo, my cell phone rings. When I answered I realized it was a telemarketer and I said the first thing that popped in my head, “I’m sorry, I really can’t take your call right now because I’m in the middle of choosing sperm for my cow.” Well now really, think about it. How many times am I going to be able to use a line like that? If anyone uses it, I expect a residual fee – I could have retired from the income off of “Apples and swingsets” kwim?

The amazing thing is that the vet looked shocked and then cracked up, but the woman on the phone didn’t miss a beat and kept asking me if I wanted this insurance protection on my credit card purchases. I implore her, “Do you not understand the importance of choosing the right sperm? I’m sorry but it takes all of my focus and I’m hanging up now.” Really. The nerve. The vet said I made a wise choice and I delicately asked about the procedure. I wondered if I was being too forward but when a man’s going to impregnate your cow, really, what are the social graces and the extent of the relationship? Semi-formal? Slightly intimate? I don’t know and without Martha there to guide me, I was totally winging it. Hopefully I handled it with dignity and charm and all the qualities of a future cow-grandma or stout farmwife, whichever way one sees it. I didn’t ask (and I’m sure you’re wondering as well – or not) just how are we going to know if this, ummm, takes? If you think I’m taking a little tiny stick out there and trying to convince her to pee on it in a few weeks you are SADLY mistaken! Uh uh. No way. I’m sure there’s a way but I managed to hold my tongue and not ask that question. I was trying to maintain, you know, the whole dignity thing.

I mosied out to the field with him to pick up the trailer and realized that a recent rain had flooded it. I graciously offered to let him back the van in, but he confidently said, “Oh hell no, you can handle it!” Obviously the man has never seen me drive. The only accidents I’ve ever had involved one moving vehicle and one parked vehicle. I was moving, in case you didn’t get that. So I floated into the field and began backing over ruts the size of cinder blocks as he’s waving me in. “I’m gonna need to back up about one and a half inches hon.” Uh, sure. “No go forward about a half inch.” Right. Not a problem at all. I did a lot of turning the wheel and gently tapping the pedal – apparently I nailed it dead on. He waved me off and down the road I went. I used hand signals because the trailer lights male/female things were incompatible. I came down the highway to turn in to my little town (we drive through town to get to our road) and there was one-lane construction with one of those lead vehicles you have to follow. The lady that stopped me with her bright yellow airplane-lander thingy tapped on the window and let me know, “When he comes back now, you need to not drive on that fresh tar we just laid.” Right. Cause that’s just what I planned on doing. Not! Even I could figure that out!

I finally arrived home and pulled the trailer over to Moo’s pen. She ran through the field to meet me, probably hoping I had a handsome bull in the back of the trailer. I got out to have a heart to heart discussion with her. Well, really now, I’m sending her off to get pregnant tomorrow, shouldn’t she be prepared? Anyway, as I’m describing future events I notice, there’s no ramp. This trailer is about a foot and a half off the ground with a sliding door, not a ramp door. When I mentioned this to Ed he just said that Moo will step right up there. Right. I think I’ll be taking pictures of this “simple process” tomorrow.

To switch gears, Ed’s showing no signs of a reaction at the injection site and noticed a decrease in itching from the amount of break-out that had come up earlier in the week. When he has a flare-up with comes on quickly and covers his body in about 3-4 days so for it to be about the same strength and level it’s been all week, I think is a good sign. He’s due for another dose on Sunday afternoon. Hopefully by next week we’ll have an idea if it’s working.

Thank you Peggy and her friends that have come over and commented below. Such kind words from strangers is so wonderful and appreciated!

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