I hope.

Yesterday completed the first four weeks of hormones and I’ve got to tell you, I’m SO VERY thankful I took that step!  I think it’s been an adjustment, to say the least, because adding hormones to my body after not having them for so long was akin to a hormone crazed teenager (and no, not in a *good* way LOL) running around here.  The concept of having normal  everyday feelings had been lost on me for so long that I didn’t always handle it the best when it happened again.  OK, I sucked.  But it’s leveled off and I’ve checked myself several times a day since I realized it was happening, hopefully this part will improve.

So after four weeks I can tell you this - I feel fantastic!  I am sleeping that good, restful and refreshing sleep which leaves me waking up bright eyed and busy-tailed in the morning.  It’s wonderful to actually *feel* well rested!  I have energy again, not to the extent that I know exercising will bring, but I have good energy and motivation to get through the day.  I have no more of the brain fog which means I can focus, plan, work, and enjoy my family again.  Overall I am forever grateful to have found a compounding pharmacy and so pleased to have found bio-identical hormones.  If you have any signs of menopause, please at least look into bio-identicals!

The smoking.  Ugh.  It’s been 7 days, 22 hrs, and 46 minutes.  How long before I stop counting?  Hopefully soon.  Since money is a great motivation, I’ve written on the calendar what we have saved and already it’s $80.  So when I find myself having a really hard moment I stand in the kitchen looking at the money saved and then take a long look at the new car that savings will pay for.

It’s still SO HARD!  Good gravy why on earth is this so hard.  I nearly caved the other night but thankfully Ed didn’t say the magic word and I held strong.  I’m hoping and waiting anxiously for the day when it will at least be relegated to a niggling thought rather than a burning desire.  Soon, I hope.

Above all of that is the sun.  We have flooded pastures, flooded driveways, and mud-covered horses but we also finally have temps in the 80’s and bright sunshine.  I believe summer is finally here.

No.

No to all of that.

The official start of summer is when I shear the boys.

I keep their hair fairly short during school but let them grow it out to a length we both can agree upon, usually about 2″ or so.   Kenny and Vincent have hair that starts to wave just a tad at that length so it’s best not to let it go any further.  But Darren?  Oy vey!  Darren inherited his father’s hair and at about 1″ it starts to curl, tightly.  Like afro tight.  By the time I got to his hair and shaved it down with the shortest guard, there was enough fluffy hair on the ground to stuff a pillow.  There was a lot  of hair.

But the deed is done and now they look like “summer” to me.  We all, including me, get summer cuts because of the wind, dirt, sweat, and hair making it impossible to keep any kind of style or length to our hair.  Besides, when you come in from the pasture or back from an all day ride you, it’s easy to just stop at the hose and spray off. 

Doesn’t everyone do that?

But I couldn’t smoke because I was pregnant and then breastfeeding and then pregnant again and breastfeeding again and then rinse and repeat.  Ed still smoked but he only smoked outside of the house and it really never bothered me like I thought it would. 

Until I went to work at Walmart.

I’d had a particularly bad shift and was telling my boss all about it when I started following him towards the backroom.  The next thing I know I’ve bummed a cigarette from him and it’s half gone.  I thought I would throw up and my head was spinning.  Literally.  But, like the dedicated smoker I am, I pushed through it and in no time at all I was back to a pack a day habit.  Health wise, it was awful and I immediately felt the effects but financially, it wasn’t too bad since a carton was still around $20 or so.  And then the tax increases started so the price began to rise.  I remember paying $7.50 a carton for my favorite Camel cigarettes and now the cost of generics is around $43.  Yes, we spend about $200 a month on cigarettes.  We figured up that over our marriage we have spent well over $20,000 on cigarettes.  Disgusting.  Absolutely disgusting. 

It was Ed’s idea to quit.  Shocking, I know.  We realized immediately that I would need a 4wd vehicle with better gas mileage than the van after I put 400 miles on the van in one week.  There’s just no way that the van can handle that kind of miles and I’d like to actually keep some of the mileage reimbursement checks I’ll receive rather than put them back into the tank!  So Ed figured up that with the money I’d save on fuel in a more efficient car and if we quit smoking, those two things alone would make the payment on a decent Honda CR-V, which met our criteria.  So we did it.  We started looking for a car and found it and then sat there staring at each other all weekend, watching for the other one to cave and head to the store for a pack.

The weekend was awful, to say the least.  The first few days are always the hardest and once you get through those, it really does get better.  I hope.  I keep telling myself.  I keep telling Ed.  I keep remembering that I hated the smell, the taste, and everything else that went along with smoking but it doesn’t work.  My brain still says, “Time for a smoke.”

I can’t deny it.  My thinking is disjointed, my routine is totally off, my temper is quick, and my worlds have collided.  For a quick minute I rationalized that adjusting my hormones would be enough of a shock to my system so why torture my body with nicotine withdrawal as well.  Cruel really. 

But we agreed we wouldn’t smoke in the new car and it’s already been 78 hour and 47 minutes so why bother.  Who’s counting really, in the scheme of things.

48 minutes.

So cross your fingers.  If I can make it just another few days then I’ll be over the worst of it.

49 minutes.

I headed to the compounding pharmacy in Wichita and after meeting with the pharmacist for a consultation the rushed an order through for me so I could have it before I left for Kansas City.  I decided to start with the troche method of delivery - basically a little chicklet-sized dissolving cube that I put between my cheek and gum then let dissolve over the next 45 minutes or so.  It’s chocolate and vanilla flavored - doesn’t taste bad at all. 

I don’t think last week was a good indication of how they were affecting me because I was under considerable stress during all day long classes put on by the government.  Yes, just imagine the happy happy joy joy long days of that!  At any rate, I do believe those babies are kicking in and it’s creating a whole new set of problems, namely, I feel  again.  After sinking into depression over the winter and doing everything I could to just get through a day, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to feel again and I do mean everything.  Irritation, anger, happiness, and all other ranges of emotions.  I find myself feeling like my head is spinning and then realizing, “Oh my gosh, I’m angry about that!”  And then, because I have psychotic tendencies, I actually think how wonderful it is to even have the energy to feel angry. 

Welcome to my world.  Scary, isn’t it?

I do think they’re helping and I’m looking forward to answering the long questionnaire for my four week checkup then comparing it to the one I filled out when I first made the appointment.  Although I think it would be almost more interesting to have Ed fill it out based on my behaviors! LOL

After nearly an hour long conversation I discovered that this man, although mostly unfamiliar with blogging, had quickly seen through the “simple rancher’s wife” brand and realized there was more to the story, or less - if you want to get technical.  I believe it was pictures of the Lodge and all the cookwear that did it for him.  So I gave him a brief crash course in blogging advertising, the “exceptions” Blogher made for her, and the amount of money the Pioneer Woman brand has generated - I think he was shocked.  Anyway, this guy was really on his toes and saw right through all of the smoke and mirrors so it will be interesting to see the angle of the article, if they proceed.

On top of missing Ed and the boys, I got to deal with a guest staying above me who practiced opening and closing doors every night at midnight.  For about two hours.  Then he showered.  Then he walked for an hour.  In circles.  Right. Above. My. Head.  Oy vey!  I thought about asking to be moved but I’d unpacked and hated to think of schlepping it all to another room.  Oh well, live and learn.

The trip went well and I left scared shitless completely confident in my abilities to get strangers to talk with me.  My first two days were spent riding with my supervisor and thankfully we had some problems with the mapping system and vacancies - all good cases to learn from and I appreciated the lesson.  Next month, I’m on my own.  Ack!

But it’s good to be home.  I missed my guys and our little corner of the universe.

 This afternoon I was contacted by a very nice gal over at SocialSpark who gave me the low down on this blogging network.  Social Spark is a network that matches bloggers with products for review and is kind of a pay per post sort of thing.  I never did that other pay for post organization because I never could figure it out!  Well the experience with Social Spark couldn’t have been more different.  I only had to shoot her about two emails asking for help (and let’s face it, for me, that’s a miracle in itself) and she responded within a couple of minutes.  Score one for Social Spark. 

I went over to their site expecting a lengthy sign-up procedure to follow.  Wrong again!  Within just a few minutes things were underway and I received notice of the first paid opportunity, this post is the result of it.  Pretty cool eh?  Not only that, their Code of Ethics is clear and easy to find.  Score two for Social Spark. 

So I’ll give it a whirl.  I actually read over the current opportunities and found several I thought I’d be a good match for so you may see those here before long.  If you’re interested, head over here to Sign up for SocialSpark.

My doctor put me on estradiol right away but warned me that we store our hormones in fat cells and it could take months, even a year, before I fully felt the implications of life without them.  I went about my merry way, feeling great because there was no more pain, lost 30 lbs and enjoyed re-doing the dining room.  Then came the happy holidays and after they were over I felt my old friend “winter blues” arrive.  No big deal, he comes each winter but this time he seemed considerably larger.  This time he didn’t go away with the time change and stirrings of spring.  When Grammy had her stroke and I spent that last week driving three hours a day to spend time with her, I expected to feel drained.  The following week I explained my sadness and lethargic behavior as due to her death and the activities following. 

Finally, I couldn’t make excuses any longer.  I really took  note of what was happening and how I felt  when I realized I was forgetting everything - even to eat.  I found no enjoyment out of anything - not cooking (I know!),  organizing, reading, walking, nothing.  And I realized I was having to rest, sit down for a few minutes, just during a normal shopping check.  I cried at the drop of a hat no matter the time, place, or present company.  A conversation with my stepmom actually caused me to realize what was happening as I heard her talking of using bioidentical hormones that are custom made for her at the local compounding pharmacy.  Suddenly, it all clicked into place.

I called the pharmacy and got a list of the labwork required to get started then went immediately to my doctor.  Always an open-minded physician, she admitted she was unfamiliar with compounding but said she would be happy to order the bloodwork and work with the pharmacist.  My test results were shocking, to say the least.  I have a lower testosterone than a pre-pubescent child, my vitamin D is two points above the threshold for health, my thyroid is below the lowest range, and everything else is well below as well.  I’m so excited to learn there’s a logical explanation other than “depression”! 

I meet with the pharmacist on Thursday and hopefully he can get something prepared for me by Friday because I leave for Kansas City on Sunday.  If not, I know they will ship it to me at the hotel and I’m eager to get started.  If you have any symptoms of menopause I would highly recommend talking with your doctor about running a hormone panel and look into bioidentical hormones.  My stepmom is in her 60’s and can run circles around me, clearing enjoying her life and if I’m going to possibly live another 40-50 years then I want to as well.

I’ll keep you posted.

I had a whole post drafted and it just totally went out the window.  I can’t even concentrate.  I got nothing.

See you next week sometime.