Crazy Cow Country Farm

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I’ll never be an Anchorwoman

September 18th, 2007 · 2 Comments · Uncategorized

I had my day all planned to clean house (really, I did) but that plan got thrown out the window when I looked in the mirror and realized I am having a good hair day.   Normally, I would simply revel in that knowledge but when you’ve got a brand new fancy camera sitting there starring at you just waiting to be used so you can be on a Good Morning America website…. well a good hair day means you take advantage.   I knew I’d read The Secret for a reason!  (I just realized that not EVERYONE may send messages to the Universe for a good hair day, but I’ve always been a tad “off” so perhaps I’m alone in that.)   I’ve practiced my script, slathered on several layers of makeup, covered up the flaws, and even managed my eyebrows.  I’m ready for my closeup.

I headed upstairs and cleaned the office (read: moved all the junk out of camera range) and realized I couldn’t work the tripod thingy so I stacked about two feet of books on my desk and began testing.  Oh.  My.  God.  This is so NOT easy.  After 22 takes I began berating myself right there on camera and rolling my eyes.  Also, typical of me, I started apologizing….. to whom you might ask?  Well I have no freaking clue, I just apologize 2,000 times each day to really no one in particular.  One day I’ll be allowed into the Jewish Grandmother’s Guild of Guilt free of charge I just know it.  (Oh dear heavens if you’re Jewish and that offended you, I’m so sorry.  Crap, there I go again.  I can’t help it.)  I even say “excuse me” when I bump the horses while pitching hay.  Anyway, the one good (and trust me when I say ONE good) roll I had going I suddenly see my son, Vincent, two inches from my face handing me his green army birthday invitation he got at school.  I will say, he looked directly in the camera and was smiling, but that’s really not the point now is it.  I rolled my eyes and apologized to the imaginary camera crew in the room and simply gave up. 

I will no longer wait by the phone for a big high powered network executive to offer me an anchor position cuz it aint gonna happen.  I suck.  Totally, completely suck at being on camera.  How’s that for sending a message to the Universe?  Can you believe I gave up a day of housecleaning for this?  Really, I did.  Totally. 

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