Crazy Cow Country Farm

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Stellaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

September 27th, 2007 · 6 Comments · Uncategorized

It’s just not the same typing it out as hearing good old Marlon Brando say it himself.  Go ahead and spend the next 50 seconds listening  here and then come back. Go on, I’ll wait.

OK are you back?  Alright, brace yourselves because I’ve got to break some big news.  I’ve hit the big time and I mean JACKPOT in the blogging world!  That’s right, you know you’ve shot into the stratosphere when this happens.  I mean, with all the thousands  dozens  five readers I’m shocked that anyone would remotely give a horse’s pa-toot about this little corner of the web but apparently, someone does.  You see folks, I’ve got a stalker.  That’s right, a real live stalker named Stella.  Stella Olson (don’t worry, that’s her fake name she made up).  I know, THRILLING isn’t is?  You don’t think so?  Well, humor me ok.  People, I have resorted to talking with Moo and expecting her to answer  since all my kids are in school now.   I mean, I’d have lunch with a stalker and just be thrilled that she didn’t mess up a stall I have to muck.

Unlike some people who are afraid of their stalker, I prefer to have great fun with mine.  She even assumes other identities, kind of like a guessing game!  Unfortunately, I will admit, my stalker doesn’t rate very high in the intelligence department.  I know, I was disappointed too.  I would like to think there are stalkers who are really crafty out there and give stalking a good and scarey name but naturally, I get an idiot.  You KNOW she sucks at it if *I* can figure it out.  I almost feel sorry for her and wanted so badly to tell her that the email she sent the first time from Stella (her assumed name) came through with her IP address plastered right at the top.

{Note to Stella:  An IP address is the unique number that is for your specific computer}  Sorry, you have to explain things to her to catch her up to speed.

And that IP address matched exactly with the IP address of her true identity.  Poor Stella.  You know those letters from foreign “dignitaries” in Africa asking for your help funneling $600 million through the US and most people just delete them?  Yeah, I like to really mess with their minds when I get them.  Geez, do I need some more chores to do or what?  Anyway, I decided to mess with poor Stella and, you know, make her think she was doing a GREAT job of the stalking thing so I replied to the email.  Oy!  Poor girl, the next email she sends me arrives at a completely different email address for me which Stella would never have known about.  To be honest, I’m a little disappointed in her.  I mean, why couldn’t I at least get a smart stalker?  Haven’t I earned that?   

She tries though, she’s even had friends call me impersonating potential boarders.  Unfortunately, she did this on a day when I was totally prepared because of the farm goings on and I asked the right questions immediately to determine it was a complete hoax.  I was polite and played, but my heart just wasn’t in it because I totally felt like I was in a Scream  movie.  I really expected more.   Now Stella appears to be the absolute worst kind of stalker in that she’s not dangerous (although a few chickens have gone missing but we think that’s due to a hawk) but she has an axe to grind.  She thinks she’s right and by golly she wants to make me see it too which amounts to a headache for the stalk-ee because you really can’t have a true actual discussion with a pathological liar/stalker now can you?  Not too much fun.  It’s a lot more fun when she pretends to be someone else.  Ed and my friends have had great fun with Stella lately and have been screaming “Stelllllaaaaaaa” every time I answer the phone and asking, “Have you heard from Stella today?  No?  Oh, well she’s probably just busy but I’m sure we’ll hear something soon.” 

Now, I will say the dumbest thing is that she does all this FROM WORK!  So her freaking company’s name is showing up here at my blog like thousands (ok, not QUITE that many) of times every day.  Good gravy, you’d think someone would notice.  Geez, watch her get fired for stalking-while-working.  If she gets canned for SWW I’ll have to get a new one and have you looked around for decent stalkers?  It’s a jungle out there I tell ya and their fees have REALLY gone up.

Now, don’t be afraid for me.  I know, you’re thinking that I’ve started carrying a shotgun around with me or sent Jack off for guard dog training.  Oh hell  no.  I did one better.   I trained Moo to attack on my command.  That’s right.  They don’t call us the Crazy Cow Country Farm around these parts for nothing.

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